Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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