textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
