everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
