Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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