giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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