Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
