captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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