Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
