Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
