Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
