I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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