I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
