we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
