So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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