Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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