non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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