I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
