If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love accidental penises.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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