From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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