threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
