I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
