I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
