I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize