I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize