You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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