your parents love me but you hate me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
