I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
