My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
