Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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