Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
