Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My liver just had a heart attack.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
