I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
