Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
