Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize