I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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