It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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