Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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