Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
