did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
