She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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