I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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