i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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