Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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