$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
