i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
People in love make me want to vomit
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
