remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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