a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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