I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
