i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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