i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
