It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
