and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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