dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
