Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
