I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
